Overcoming the Trap of Wanting: Shift to a Mindset of ‘Having’ for Greater Confidence and Success

Unlock Your True Potential for Confidence and Success by Shifting from a ‘Wanting’ to a ‘Having’ Mindset

Here’s a summary of the YouTube video “Letting Go of Wanting With Women: The Power of Choice” by The Fearless Man in 10 bullet points:

1. The Pitfall of Wanting: Constantly wanting something, such as a relationship or success, can create a psychic distance, making it harder to achieve your goals.

2. Psychic Distance: Amplifying the desire for something without believing it’s attainable leads to anxiety and imposter syndrome, which hinders progress.

3. Shift to a State of Having: Instead of focusing on wanting, cultivate the feeling of already having what you desire, which aligns your mindset with success.

4. Embodiment Through Action: Transition from wanting to choice by taking definitive actions that embody what you desire, like test-driving a car or initiating a conversation with someone.

5. The Role of Vulnerability: Embrace vulnerability and openness when interacting with others, particularly in dating, to create genuine connections.

6. Curiosity Over Wanting: Approach situations with curiosity and expectancy rather than desperation, which fosters a more positive and confident demeanor.

7. The Importance of Enjoying the Moment: Fully engage and enjoy the experience of interacting with others, which helps move from a state of lack to one of abundance.

8. Taking Small Steps: Start with small, manageable actions that build confidence and gradually increase your comfort with taking more significant steps.

9. The Power of Choice: Choice involves not just action but doing so with an open heart, making decisions that align with your true desires and values.

10. Practice and Growth: Regularly practice moving from wanting to choice by being decisive, open-hearted, and action-oriented, leading to meaningful changes in your life.

Have you ever found yourself stuck in a cycle of wanting – wanting a romantic partner, wanting more social confidence, wanting to achieve your goals – but feeling like those desires remain frustratingly out of reach? According to the insights shared in this video, the problem may lie not in the desires themselves, but in the mindset of “wanting” that underlies them.

The speaker explains how the common advice to “amplify your want” and “have a burning desire” for what you seek can actually be counterproductive. When you’re stuck in a state of intense wanting, you create a “psychic distance” between yourself and the object of your desire. This disconnect then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the more you want something, the more it seems to elude you.

Instead, the speaker recommends shifting into a mindset of “having” or “experiencing” what you desire. Rather than fixating on the lack of what you want, focus on embodying the sensations and emotions of already possessing it. Visualize yourself as the confident, successful person you aspire to be. Feel the joy and fulfillment of connecting authentically with others. This shift in inner experience can have profound effects on your outer reality.

The Problem with the ‘Wanting’ Mindset

At the heart of the problem with the ‘wanting’ mindset lies a fundamental misunderstanding about the nature of human psychology and the path to manifestation. The common advice to ‘amplify your wants’ and ‘have a burning desire’ for what you seek may seem intuitively logical, but can actually create more distance between you and your desired outcomes.

When you’re stuck in a state of intense, unrelenting wanting, you inadvertently create a ‘psychic distance’ between yourself and the object of your desire. This disconnect then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, as the more you want something, the more it seems to elude you. The more you fixate on the lack of what you want, the more that lack becomes your dominant reality.

Far from being the solution, this vicious cycle of wanting only serves to perpetuate feelings of frustration, despair, and a sense of never quite measuring up. Rather than propelling you forward, the ‘wanting’ mindset can actually hold you back, making it increasingly difficult to take the bold, confident actions required to turn your dreams into tangible results. To truly manifest your goals and unlock your full potential, a fundamental shift in perspective is required.

The Psychology of ‘Wanting’ vs. ‘Having’

At the core of the ‘wanting’ versus ‘having’ dichotomy lies a fundamental difference in psychological orientation and its downstream effects. In the ‘wanting’ mindset, the focus is on what is lacking or absent in one’s life. There is a persistent sense of incompleteness, a feeling that true fulfillment and happiness will only come once the desired object, person, or outcome is attained.

This mindset is characterized by intense cravings, anxiety, and a sense of urgency. Individuals in this state often find themselves caught in a loop of endless striving, with each temporary victory quickly replaced by a new desire. Emotions tend to be turbulent, oscillating between hope and disappointment, as the ‘wanting’ mind is never truly satisfied.

In contrast, the ‘having’ mindset is grounded in a sense of wholeness and abundance. Rather than fixating on what they lack, individuals with this orientation direct their attention to the resources, experiences, and positive qualities they already possess. They approach life with a spirit of gratitude and curiosity, embracing the present moment and trusting that their needs will be met. This inner calm and self-assurance often translates into more confident, purposeful behaviors that bring their desires within reach.

The Self-Fulfilling Cycle of ‘Wanting’

One of the most insidious aspects of the ‘wanting’ mindset is the way it can create a self-fulfilling cycle of frustration and lack. As the intensity of your desire increases, so too does the perceived distance between you and its fulfillment. The more you ‘want’ something, the more it seems to slip further out of your grasp.

This dynamic arises from the very nature of the ‘wanting’ state. When you are gripped by intense craving, your focus narrows to the object of your desire, and you become increasingly fixated on its absence in your life. Ironically, this hyper-focus on what you lack only serves to reinforce the perception that you don’t have it, creating a feedback loop that perpetuates the cycle.

The result is a worsening sense of desperation, coupled with a growing belief that you will never achieve your goals. This toxic combination can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors, further entrenching the cycle of ‘wanting’ and lack. To break free from this vicious pattern, a fundamental shift in perspective is required – one that moves away from the mindset of ‘wanting’ and toward a more empowered state of ‘having’ and ‘experiencing’ what you desire.

Shifting to a Mindset of ‘Having’

If the ‘wanting’ mindset is the root cause of so much frustration and lack of progress, then the solution lies in cultivating a mindset of ‘having’ and ‘experiencing’ what you desire. This shift in perspective is not merely a semantic one, but a profound transformation in your inner orientation and the way you relate to your goals.

Instead of fixating on the absence of what you want, focus on embodying the sensations and emotions of already possessing it. Vividly imagine yourself as the confident, successful person you aspire to be. Fully inhabit the feelings of joy, fulfillment, and self-assurance that would accompany the realization of your dreams. This act of mental and emotional simulation can be a powerful catalyst for aligning your inner and outer realities.

Techniques like the ‘Revealing Process’ can also aid in this transition by helping you uncover and release the deeper emotions – such as fear, insecurity, or unworthiness – that may be fueling the ‘wanting’ mindset. By consciously processing these underlying drivers, you can break free from the vicious cycle and open yourself up to more authentic, empowered choices that bring your desires within reach.

Visualizing and Embodying the ‘Having’ Experience

One of the most powerful techniques for shifting from a ‘wanting’ to a ‘having’ mindset is to vividly imagine and physically embody the sensations and emotions of already possessing your desired goals and outcomes. This act of mental and emotional simulation can be a game-changer in manifesting your dreams.

When you visualize yourself as the confident, successful person you aspire to be, your brain cannot easily distinguish between this imagined experience and actual reality. The same neural pathways are activated, triggering a cascade of physiological responses – from changes in your posture and facial expressions to the release of feel-good neurotransmitters like dopamine and serotonin. Over time, this ‘as-if’ experience becomes wired into your subconscious, shaping your beliefs, emotions, and behaviors in a way that aligns with your desired reality.

But visualization alone is not enough. To truly integrate the ‘having’ mindset, you must also consciously embody the physical sensations associated with your goals. Stand tall, make eye contact, and move with purpose – as if you have already achieved what you seek. This mind-body connection reinforces the neural pathways, solidifying the transition from ‘wanting’ to ‘having’ in both your inner and outer worlds. With practice, this state of ‘experienced’ reality will become your new normal, empowering you to take confident action toward manifesting your dreams.

Harnessing the Power of Emotional Intelligence

Emotional intelligence is a crucial ingredient in the shift from a ‘wanting’ to a ‘having’ mindset. By developing a greater self-awareness and the ability to navigate your emotional landscape, you can uncover and release the underlying drivers that perpetuate the cycle of intense craving and lack.

One powerful technique for this process is the ‘Revealing Process,’ which involves consciously exploring the emotions that arise when you think about your desired goal or outcome. As you tune in to the sensations in your body and the thoughts that accompany them, you may uncover deeper feelings of insecurity, fear, or unworthiness – beliefs that may be sabotaging your ability to manifest what you seek.

By bringing these hidden emotions to the surface and processing them with compassion and curiosity, you can begin to dismantle the subconscious barriers that have been keeping your desires at arm’s length. This inner work can be challenging, but the payoff is immense. As you learn to release the emotional baggage that fuels the ‘wanting’ mindset, you open the door to more authentic, confident choices that align with your true desires. Over time, this shift in your emotional intelligence and self-awareness can profoundly transform your ability to create the life you envision.

Making Authentic, Confident Choices

When you shift from a ‘wanting’ to a ‘having’ mindset, the impact extends far beyond just your inner experience. This profound transformation also empowers you to make more authentic, confident choices that propel you closer to your desired goals and outcomes.

In the ‘wanting’ state, decision-making is often driven by fear, desperation, and a sense of lack. You may find yourself grasping at opportunities or making choices that feel out of alignment with your true values and aspirations. This reactive, scarcity-based approach can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors and a perpetual sense of frustration.

However, when you cultivate a ‘having’ mindset – one grounded in a sense of wholeness, abundance, and self-trust – you approach life with a newfound agency and intentionality. You’re no longer driven by a frantic need to acquire what’s missing, but rather by a clear vision of what you want to create. This clarity and inner confidence translate into purposeful, deliberate actions that bring your desires within reach.

Paradoxically, it is this state of ‘having’ and ‘experiencing’ your goals, rather than the anxious striving of ‘wanting,’ that actually sets the stage for their manifestation. By aligning your choices with your deepest values and vision for the future, you enter a flow state where obstacles seem to melt away and opportunities start to align in your favor.

Applying the ‘Having’ Mindset to All Areas of Life

While the principles of the ‘having’ mindset were initially explored in the context of dating and relationships, their applications extend far beyond this specific domain. In fact, the ability to let go of ‘wanting’ and cultivate a state of ‘having’ and ‘experiencing’ can be a transformative tool for achieving success in any area of life.

Whether your goal is to start a business, advance your career, or reach a new level of fitness, the mindset shift from ‘lacking’ to ‘possessing’ can be the key that unlocks your full potential. By visualizing and embodying the sensations of already having what you desire, you activate the neural pathways and emotional states that align with your desired reality. This, in turn, empowers you to make more authentic, confident choices that bring your aspirations within reach.

Moreover, the development of emotional intelligence – the ability to understand, manage, and harness your emotions – is a critical component of this process. By consciously exploring and releasing the underlying fears, insecurities, and limiting beliefs that fuel the ‘wanting’ mindset, you free yourself to take bold, purposeful action toward your goals. This holistic approach, blending mindset work with emotional mastery, can be applied to any domain of life, from entrepreneurship to personal relationships to creative pursuits.

Overcoming Obstacles and Achieving Goals

One of the most powerful advantages of adopting a ‘having’ mindset is its ability to help you navigate challenges and stay focused on reaching your desired outcomes. When you shift your inner orientation from a state of ‘wanting’ to one of ‘having,’ you cultivate a profound sense of self-trust, resilience, and intentionality that can propel you forward even in the face of obstacles.

In the ‘wanting’ mindset, obstacles are often met with fear, frustration, and a sense of desperation that can lead to self-sabotaging behaviors or abandoning your goals altogether. The constant feeling of lack and incompleteness can make it all too easy to get derailed by setbacks or to constantly second-guess your decisions.

However, from the vantage point of the ‘having’ mindset, challenges are simply opportunities to test your mettle and refine your approach. Rather than seeing them as threats to be avoided, you approach them with a spirit of curiosity, creativity, and resourcefulness. Your inner sense of wholeness and self-assurance allows you to weather the storms with grace and maintain a clear, unwavering focus on your ultimate vision.

This resilience and sense of personal agency are key ingredients in the recipe for sustainable, long-term success. By cultivating the ‘having’ mindset, you equip yourself with the emotional and psychological tools needed to overcome any obstacle that stands in your way, empowering you to consistently take the actions required to transform your dreams into reality.

Building Authentic Confidence and Connections

One of the most profound impacts of shifting from a ‘wanting’ to a ‘having’ mindset is the transformative effect it can have on your ability to build authentic confidence and meaningful connections with others. When you are no longer driven by a desperate need to acquire what you lack, you free up vital mental and emotional resources that can be channeled into more constructive pursuits.

In the ‘wanting’ state, interactions with others are often tinged with an underlying neediness or sense of inadequacy. You may find yourself constantly seeking validation, approval, or a sense of completion from those around you. This energetic imbalance can create an invisible barrier, subtly sabotaging your ability to connect on a deeper level.

However, by cultivating a ‘having’ mindset – one grounded in self-acceptance, self-trust, and a sense of inner abundance – you radiate an aura of confidence and ease that is incredibly attractive to others. You no longer need others to ‘complete’ you or fill the void within; instead, you approach relationships from a place of genuine interest, curiosity, and a desire to share your unique gifts with the world. This shift in orientation allows you to form connections that are authentic, mutually enriching, and imbued with a sense of purpose beyond mere neediness or validation.

As you continue to refine your emotional intelligence and embodiment of the ‘having’ mindset, you’ll find that the quality of your interactions, relationships, and sense of belonging in the world will be profoundly enhanced. This self-assured, service-oriented approach is a hallmark of those who have truly mastered the art of letting go and stepping into their full potential.

Quiz: Test Your Understanding of the ‘Having’ Mindset

Now that you’ve explored the power of shifting from a ‘wanting’ to a ‘having’ mindset, let’s see how well you’ve grasped the key insights from this article.

1. The ‘wanting’ mindset is characterized by:

   a) A sense of wholeness and abundance

   b) Intense cravings and a feeling of incompleteness

   c) Calm, confident behaviors

   d) Both b and c

2. True or False: Visualizing and physically embodying the sensations of ‘having’ your desired outcome can help rewire your subconscious mind.

   a) True

   b) False

3. Which of the following is a benefit of the ‘having’ mindset when it comes to making decisions?

   a) It leads to more reactive, desperate choices

   b) It perpetuates a sense of lack and scarcity

   c) It empowers you to make more purposeful, authentic choices

   d) Both a and b

4. Applying the principles of the ‘having’ mindset can be helpful for:

   a) Just dating and relationships

   b) Only professional or business goals

   c) Any area of life, from personal to professional

   d) None of the above

5. The ‘Revealing Process’ is a technique that can help you:

   a) Amplify your ‘wanting’ mindset

   b) Manifest your goals more quickly

   c) Uncover and release emotions perpetuating the ‘wanting’ mindset

   d) Both b and c

“1. b\n2. a\n3. c\n4. c\n5. c”